Computer Conversation
by MotherofSephy
Summary: After Gabby sent me a message asking if my keyboard was gay it wouldn't shut up to me. So I decided to type our conversation.
1. Vanilla Ice Cream

Mother: It was indeed a gay keyboard. It enjoys when I type.

Keyboard: MMmmmm! keep typing on me

Mother: That is disgusting you sick keyboard.

Keyboard: Don't stop.

Mother: Ewwwww!

Keyboard:... you're pushing my buttons.

Mother: I'm not gonna type anymore.

Keyboard: starts crying

Mother: I'm sorry Keyboardy-poo

Keyboard: no your not...

Mother: Yes I am... I'll buy you icecream

Keyboard: Vanilla?

Mother: Yes, vanilla.

Keyboard: No.

Mother: you little gay bastard.

Keyboard: Wahhhhhh! F You you Fing B.

Mother: You are grounded mister. No more going on the computer.

Keyboard: But...but...

Mother: no more buts. Now go to your room!

Keyboard:...

Mother:...

Keyboard: You're still pushing my buttons...


	2. Sephy's Betrayal

**Mother:** Today I'm going to go to iTunes. I need to put that Fiddler on the Roof CD on my iPod.

**Keyboard: **You know… there is a wire that comes out of me and plugs into the computer.

**Mother:** That's so gross.

**Keyboard: **I know. That's what's makes it nasty.

**Mother: **Keyboard, I don't want you to be nasty. I just want to type in the names of the songs.

**Keyboard:** You like to type. Don't you?

**Mother: **See what I mean. That is disgusting. Now let me at least put the CD into the computer.

**Computer: **I like you opening my tray. Open me again.

**Mother: **Isanyone not gross?

**Sephy:** I'm not.

**Mother: **I know sweetie. Mother loves you.

**Kadaj: **Me too. Right?

**Mother:** No

**Kadaj: **But Mother, I love you.

**Mother: **So.

**Kadaj: **starts crying

**Mother: **…

**Keyboard: **What did that have to do with anything?

**Mother: **leaves room

**Sephy: **Hehehehe! The computer is all mine.

Sephiroth turns the light off

**Sephy and Keyboard: **Ohhh. Yeh. Oh please stop. You're too rough. Oh yeah….ect…

hours pass; Cloud enters the room and turns the lights on

**Sephy: **It's not what you think. Cloud, I would never betray _OUR_ love.

**Cloud:** begins to sob I thought what we had, our relationship was special. I…I only thought…

**Sephy: **I…I'm so sorry.

**Cloud: **Oh, Sephy how could I stay mad at you.

They embrace, falling to the floor. They start to roll around and soon they start making-out. Somewhere in-between there hugging and kissing, their clothes "fall" off.

Mother enters the room, jaw-dropped, staring in disbelief at the sight of Kadaj in the corner, crying, Cloud and Sephiroth…uh…you know, and the computer keyboard being violated. She walks over to the keyboard

**Keyboard:**…

**Mother:** I don't even want to know.


	3. The Name

Mother: No, Vincent I will not change my name for you.

Vincent: But Jenny,I love you.

Mother: No.

Hojo: Will you change your name for me?

Mother: Of course I'll change it for you. You don't go around giving teachers my Fanfiction Account Name.

Vincent: I'm sorry, How many times do I have to say it?

Mother: A lot.

Vincent: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...

Mother:...not enough.

Vincent:...come on.

Hojo: Lulu, can you change your name to Hojo'sBabe

Mother: Whatever honey, I'm trying to argue with Vincent so can you please not interupt us now?

-Hojo begins to cry-

Mother: Oh, I'm sorry Hojoey-poo.

Vincent: Figures, how could you chose him over me. I'm obviously the better choice. I don't cry...or wear a lab coat.

Mother: But look at the size of your shoes.

-Vincent begins to cry-

Vincent: No one makes fun of my shoes!

Mother:...they look stupid.

-Vincent goes into hysterics-

Mother:...Fine...I'm sorry. Can I get you ice cream?

Vincent: Vanilla?

Mother: Yes. Vanilla.

Vincent: Ok...but will you change your name?

Mother: no.

-they leave to get ice cream-

Hojo:...I'm still here. Hello?


	4. Hot Chocolate, All credit is for Sephy

Hope you HATE it. xD It's in opposite day form. (meaning tis not.) The first part where the keyboard is NOT singing, the lyrics are NOT part of "Sweet Transvestite" xD Which is a song Brutis and I don't enjoy. The last part is NOT something my siblings say when they want a cigarette and is NOT said in a high-pitched singy type of voice. xP You may NOT edit it to your heart's desire.

S: HI VINCENTO! D I'M AT RENO'S HOUSE!

V: Hello, Sephy.

R: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! DDDD I'M SITTING ON SEPHY'S LAP!

V: …? 0.o Okay…

S: HONEYMUSTARD! D I LOVE YOU!

V: …I love you too Sephy… 0.o

S: YAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!! D –hugs Vincent-

R: We gots to go. BYE VINCENT!

S: BYE VINCENTO! X3

V: Bye.

-1 hour later-

R: VINCENTOSEIGUD0VJ BH!!! SEPHY CHE-

S: NO!!!!!121!1!1!1

V: What?

S: I LOVE YOU VINCENT! DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING RENO SAYS!1#$!!3 DDS

V: Okay…

S: ;; No matter what, I'll always wuv you…

V: …I love you too Sephy.

R: NO!214!!e SDF SEPHY LIEZ! SEPHY DI- A TWRYHT

V: 0.o What's going on?

S: NO! –sobs- IT'S NOT TRUE!

V: I don't understand… what is it?

…

R!!!! SEPHY DID- asda dfafaf

S: NOOOOO!!!!!

V: I'm so confused. -.-'

S: I love you Vincent. ;;

V: What are you hiding?

S: NOTHING! –sobs- Reno's lying!!!!12v1 edgcvhb

R: SEPH-

V: That's it, I'm messaging your mother. 0.o This is too strange…

R: 3

S: ;;

-meanwhile-

M: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH HOJO!1!!! OH! OH! HOJO! D KEEEEP GOING! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! KEEEEEE-

-message pops up-

V: LULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

M: -EEP GOING!

V: ...what? 0.o

K: Hey sexy ;)

M: KEYBOARD! T.T

V: What's going on with you?

K: Mother's have'n cyber sex with Hojo x3 I'm enjoying myself so much I can't stand it. What choo up ta babycakes? D

M: KEYBOARD! –slams keyboard-

K: Ow! ;; You're gonna break my buttons, doll.

V: …0.o

M: T.T WHAT DO YOU WANT VINCENT!?

V: SEPHY'S BEING WEEEEEEEEIRDDDD!!!!

M: -slaps Vincent- DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SON THAT WAY! He's the only one on this entire pathetic earth who likes you.

V: Ouchies! ;; What I mean is, he's all 'over Reno's house' and- and Reno and Sephy and his lap and talking and spazzing and saying 'I love you' over and over and-and…AH! I DUNNO WHAT'S GOING ON! T.T

M: -sigh- I'll open a chat room and sort this out.

K: See ya there, lamb chop ;)

-chat room openage-

M: Okay.

V: Here.

K: Hey you beast ;)

M: T.T

H: What's this all about Lucrecia?

V: WHY ARE YOU HERE?! T.T

S: MOTHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RENO'S BEING MEAN! –sobs-

M: It's okay Sephy.

H: Oh my god, what's your problem now Sephiroth? Why can't you just toughen up already, your weakness surely doesn't come from MY side of the family. -.-'

S: I'M NOTHING LIKE YOU AND HAPPY BOUT IT! T.T

M: Stop. Sephy, tell me what's wrong.

S: I CAN'T I DON'T WANT VINCENT TO KNOW! IT'S ALL RENO'S FAULT!

R: xD HA! HA! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPE-

S: NO!!!!!!!!

V: This is what I mean… .

M: You can tell me, Sephy-poo.

S: ;; But it's embarrass-

M: TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG NOW! T.T

S: Okay! Sowwy Mother… ;;

M: It's okay.

H: Baby. .

V: I'm so lost… .

K: It's okay honey. ;) I'm here, nothing to worry about… why don't we set up our own chat room? We could _chill_.

V: 0.o

K: DON'T GET STRUNG OUT! BY THE WAY I LOOOK! DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVEEEEER! I MIGHT NOT BE MUCH OF A MAN, BY THE LIGHT OF DAY! BUT BY NIGHT I'M ONE HELLLLLLLLLLL OF A LOVEEER!!! D ♪

M: I SWEAR I'M GONNA KILL THIS FCKING KEYBOARD! TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED NOW!

R: SEPHY HAD SEX WITH A CUP OF HOT CHOCOLATE! DDDD

S: ;; I was raped…

V: …? 0.o

M: …? 0.o

H: …? 0.o

K: ♪ Cigarette! Oo! Oo! D


	5. Phone Call

Mother: Mother is very mad at you  
Sephy: but i wrote a prettiful story  
Mother: so, you love Vincent  
Sephy:but...i thought you would understand  
mother: I'm talking to you on the phone  
Sephy: yuffie is a slut  
mother: uh...ok  
Sephy: wutai...


	6. I Love You

Mother: Oh! Sephy, that is so cute. You are such a good writer. And you even put Hojo in the story.  
Hojo: Well why shouldn't I be in the story?  
Mother: Cause Sephy likes Vinny better.  
Hojo: You mean my son chose that anorexic bastard over me?  
Mother: I'm sorry Hojy!  
-Vincent walks in room eating ice cream-  
Hojo: I hate you. You took my beautiful son away from me. If it weren't for me, Sephiroth wouldn't have Jenova's cells in his body.  
Vincent: Well if it weren't for me...well...um...  
Hojo: Ah, ha!  
-Vincent starts to cry-  
Mother: Now Hojy, Vinny, don't fight. I'm sure Sephy loves you a little Hojo.  
-Sephy walks in room also eating icecream-  
Mother: Tell your father you love him.  
Sephy: But I don't want to.  
Mother: NOW!  
Sephy:...Alright. Fine. Hojo...um...I mean Dad...I...L...Lo...Lov...  
Mother:...I'm waiting Sephiroth Maurice Crescent.  
Sephy:...I love you, dad... But I love you more Vinny!  
Mother: See Hojo. Sephy loves you.  
Hojo: I guess you're right. He does. Ha! in your face Mr. Valentine.  
-Vincent cries harder-  
Vinny: I...I'm getting ice cream.  
Sephy: Vanilla.  
Vincent: Yes. Vanilla.  
Sephy: Squee! I love you Vinny.  
-They leave to get ice cream-  
Hojo: I want ice cream.  
Mother: Strawberry.  
Hojo: You bet, Lulu  
-They also leave to get ice cream-


	7. Computer is for Porn

Mother: Finally, I get to teach a whole lessen all by myself!

Vincent:…

Mother: And I'm gonna teach something modern, something relevant…

Vincent:…ME!!!

Mother: Vinny!

Vincent: Oh, Sorry Lu-Mother, me no mean to…

Mother: Okay then, my computer is really, really great…

Keyboard: for porn…

Mother: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait

Computer: for porn…

Mother: There's always some new… Hold on a second! Keyboard, I thought that you had changed your perverted ways?

Keyboard:…that's correct

Mother: And you, Computer, decided not to do dirty things with me…

Computer: true.

Mother: And you, Hojo, keep doing experiments on my sons…

Hojo: -coughs- Well…

Mother: And Vincent, you sent me that sweet online Mother's Day card. (that I threw out)

Vincent: YOU WHAT…!?!

Mother: So normal peole don't sit at home and get down and dirty with their keyboard

Vincent:…Oh, you have no idea. Ready normal people?

-crickets-

Hojo: Well, we aren't really normal.

Keyboard: I'm a keyboard!

Vincent:…Well…Ready abnormal people?

Hojo: Ready!

Keyboard: Ready!

Computer: Ready!

Vincent: Let me hear it…

Mother:…I'm leaving. I hate men, and keyboards, and computers, and Vincent. I have ice cream!

Hojo: Strawberry?

Mother: Yes. Strawberry!

Hojo: Horray!!!!! I still love you Jenny!!!!


	8. Tifa's Betrayal

Mother: Hello Computer. Tifa is here with me.

Tifa: Hi! –waves at computer-

Computer: I wonder what you are doing together…?

Mother: We're only looking up info about our Poet

Keyboard: And what is that supposed to mean?

Tifa: Nothing. We are not being dirty.

Keyboard: That means you are.

Mother: No it doesn't.

-Cloud comes in-

Cloud: What are you doing Tifa? I thought you loved me.

Tifa: I'm not doing anything. I'm only looking up information about Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Cloud: So you are checking out other women on-line.

Keyboard: Oh, yeah!

Mother: On, no. She is our poet that we are doing a project on in Language class.

Cloud: that's what you want me to think.

Tifa: Fine. Have it your way. I guess I'll have to give all this ice cream to Jenova.

Cloud: Don't you dare…you…you…flat-chested lesbo.

Tifa:…

Coud:…I'm sorry.

Tifa: I have vanilla.

Cloud: Oh, Tifa. I knew you still loved me!!!!!!!


	9. Dirge of Cerberus

Mother: I just beat Dirge of Cerberus!

Vincent: So, I'm in it.

Mother: Me too.

Vincent: Oh, yeah. True.

-Hojo enters room laughing maniacally-

Hojy: I am also in DoC. Nwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Mother: -squee- I know.

-runs up to Hojo and hugs him-

Vinny: Can't I get a hug?

Mother: No. You all had to go and use your proto-materia and kill wittle Hojo-y-poo, here. And he's all, "Vincent, your old…" or something like that. And the whole game was an f---ing load.

Playstation 2: I like the game.

Vincent: How did you get in this conversation? You're not a computer.

PS2: Actually, I am a computer entertainment system. So I count.

Hojy: Lucrecia?

Mother: What is it?

-Hojo randomly turns into Weiss. Lucrecia then proceeds to hug him harder yelling "squee"-

Weiss: -still talking in Hojo's voice- Now I am much more powerful and cool looking.

Vincent: No you are not. You look like Cloud just with bigger hair…and no shirt.

Nero: I wuv you big brother.

Weiss: When did you get here?

Nero: I wuv you big brother.

Nero: I wuv you big brother.

Nero: I wuv you big brother.

-Vincent, getting annoyed, pulls out his Cerberus and kills Nero-

Grimoire: Now allow me to randomly jump out in front of nothing, hurt myself, and die…for no reason.

-he does so-

Mother: Nooooooo! I…I'm so sorry.

Vincent: God! How many times must you tell me that? I get it already.

Weiss: Now Vincent. You shall die for no reason.

-Vincent kills Weiss-

Mother: Why did you do that? I love Hojo. Once a scientist always a scientist: to the very end.

Vincent: But Hojo f---ed Reno.

Mother: Oh…I LOVE YOU VINNY!

Vincent: Ice cream?

Mother: Chocolate?

Vincent: Yes.

-Mother and Vincent skip merrily away into the sunset and Dirge of Cerberus was the worst game ever-


	10. The Fart

Vinny: Hey, Mother. Can you help me with this math problem? How do you find the slope for this line?

Mother: That is so just like you. I mean, you don't even know math. See, there, Hojy is already done with his work. He is so smart.

Vinny: But…but…Lu, I wuv you.

Mother: Fine. You just have to click on the line and go to Format, Slope.

Vinny: Oh, thanks.

- as he does so the keyboard farts –

Vinny: Ewwwwwww!

Mother: What was that sound…Oh, My God! Vincent, you just farted!

Vinny: No I didn't. It was the keyboard.

Mother: Oh, like I'm gonna believe that. Keyboard, did you fart?

Keyboard: Of course not. –shakes head and points at Vincent – He did it.

Mother: Oh, is that so…

Vinny: No, honestly. It was the keyboard.

Mother: Mr. Valentine, we already went over this. The keyboard does not make bodily sounds; it does very pornographic things. You know that.

Vinny: BUT…BUT…BUT…

Mother: No buts. Now off to your room without any ice cream.

Vinny: Not even vanilla?

Mother: No. Instead, I'll give your ice cream to Cid.

Cid: Squee! – takes ice cream –

Vinny: Nooooooooooooo!

Mother: This time, Vincent, I am not SO sorry.

Cid: So, Jenny, you want to go out for ice cream despite the fact that in the Final Fantasy series we never actually have the slightest hint of a relationship and I am way older, more drunk, and incredibly ugly?

Mother:…Certainly, Cid. Hojo is the same way…

Vinny: But I thought that that picnic was…

Mother: No. I was drunk. I do not love you. I love Hojo. Don't you get it? After he abused me and sexually assaulted me I staggered out of his laboratory with the "picnic" items. I was going to have a "picnic" with HIM, NOT YOU! But no, you're too stupid to notice the fact that Hojo is noticeable more handsome, and intelligent, and all-together better than you. Jeez! And now…and now we have that frickin daughter Rkish just because you're too stupid to figure out how to use a condom.

Vinny: But Hojo never used one…

Mother: Duh. Why do you think I bore FOUR FRICKIN SONS from him? He never used one because he's too good for them. I mean, look at our sons; Sephiroth is so cute when he plays with Cloud, and Loz wuvs his mommy, and Yazoo has that overzealous love for bananas, and my wittle Kadajy is soooo adorable. But Rkish, she's just boring…Come Cid, let's get ice cream.

Cid: Don' worry Vin' I'll get you an ice cream – one with high fiber. You know… -in a whisper- for you problem…

Vinny: I DID NOT FART!

-Cid and Mother leave-

Vinny:…It wasn't me…

Keyboard: I know; it was me.

Vinny: Then why did I get blamed?

Keyboard: Well, I'm just evil that way. You know, it all sta –

-Vincent suddenly farts really loudly-

Vinny: never mind. I'll just be in the bathroom…eating ice cream…forever…alone…OH MY GOD…gotta go…

-Vincent runs away having a bad case of the runs-


	11. Pickles

Mother: Oh, Vinny, I'm sorry. I did tell you NOT to use a condom.

Vinny:…I still don't forgive you.

Mother: How about if I get you some ice cream.

Vinny: only if it has pickles in it.

Mother: What is that supposed to mean? I thought you liked vanilla.

Vinny: Well, after your loving son Sephiroth got me pickles for my birthday I love them more than vanilla.

Mother: -begins to sob- But, but, but, I thought, I thought, I thought, you liked vanilla

- waves a vanilla ice cream cone at Vincent -

Vincent: No

- Mother still continues to wave a now melting ice cream cone at Vincent-

Mother: But, but…

-Cloud, Sephiroth, Reno, and Tseng appear-

Vinny: Hey guys, do you want to play Laser Tag?

Reno:…but I suck.

Vinny: Reno, you don't suck…Jenova does.

- Mother breaks into a fit of tears still waving a completely melted cone at Vincent-

Cloud: Whatever?

Tseng:… -crickets chirping-

Sephiroth: um…okay…

- they all leave to play Laser Tag and Mother still continues to stand there with a melted ice cream cone dripping on the floor and saturating her hand -

Mother: but, but, but…vanilla…?


End file.
